honesty pill

yesterday, i think i took the honesty pill by accident.

i've always been honest, calling things as i saw them.

but laying it all out is not for the weak-hearted (be it the receiver or the giver) but the risk of receiving a major blow is compensated by the fact that it comes from a good place. it really also helps that those who are in receipt of your honesty are friends who you know for sure will take the right way.

if i had snot on my face i would want my friend to pinpoint it rather than letting me walk in public with the snot on my face.

pleasant surprise..ses....

days ago i was experiencing my annual christmas jitters, the season when i feel the loneliest.

then i had a conversation with Him, and finally admitted to myself what i felt and wanted.

the classic story of simply submitting yourself to the greatest power there is.

days go by, and i get a pleasant surprise. a delightful surprise that has yet to unravel itself so i can fully appreciate it.

its way too early in the game to be all caught up with the whole deal, but its refreshing to see myself get excited again.

as i said, its a much welcomed channge.

Never been kissed

There's the movie and then there's me. While drew had never been really kissed, i simply have never been kissed.

I had a rather odd dream two nights ago- i got my first official kiss with an even odder choice, mr. fuzzy feeling.

so here's how it went. me and my 2 best gals came over to his house to hang (not that we hang out in reality). we were watching the tely on a bed with a pullout. my other best gal was lying beside mr. fuzzy feeling while i was on the pullout. they were whispering the whole time (i'm not sure what i felt at this point). then we decided to leave. On our way out, his mom and grandmom went in his room. i barely remember this part of the dream. what i do remember is that his mom and grandmom were telling me that it was me... after all these time, it was still me. the other girl was just a bestfriend hahahahaha. drumroll... then the even weirder part, i came down and saw him with his friends (or was it his groupmates?). by the way, he was donning his med uniform!


anywho, he left his friends and handed me white choco flavored reese mini cups (is there such a thing?). he gave me half of the bag's content- about 8 pieces. we ate one piece each and i kissed him. with both mouths filled with chocolate . awkward. after our quick awkward kiss i left and told him i'd think about it. then the dream went to an abrupt end as i finally woke up at 4am

so that's the story of my first kiss, my extremely awkward "dream" kiss.

More on Mr. Fuzzy

Mr. fuzzy feeling is the one that got away.

The one guy I’ll never have.

Its excruciating waiting for the day when I’ll finally hear from a common friend that he is getting married.

Then he’ll truly be the guy I’ll never have.

Like a hard lesson to learn, I never got my head around the idea why things ended.

If I had one token for a rewind, I’d go back to that day..

I can vividly remember that day.

I’m sure he’s tucked that memory along with the other flings he had,

Mr. Fuzzy feeling will always always always have that power over me,

Even if there’ll be another guy who’ll have that fuzzy feeling effect on me.

He'll still be a part of my life(the sad reality I’ve long accepted)

fuzzy feeling

to the guy who gave me that fuzzy feeling...

you'll always always have that same effect on me...

sad but true.

secretly wishing

sometimes i wish i made a few more mistakes in the past.


thought a lot less and acted more.


one day, everyone will wake up to the great surprise that i've been keeping a love affair under wraps for years now. ha!that's a laugh!


then i'd get to skip all the awkward phases and petty complications that come with brewing relationships.


but, then again, i'd also miss out those youthful giddy feelings that come with the package.


one item (in the life list) at a time.

Anthem of my life

"Soulmate"

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

taking out the clutter

i'm suppose to be drafting a country-shaking/ life-changing speech for my principal, but as the case is i'm uninspired (yet again). rather i am unmoved. unispired or unmoved...i'm undecided. uninspired has been overused in this blog so might as well go with unmoved.

although... if my memory serves me right, when i was experiencing the topic (of the aforesaid speech), i swear, i was fighting the tears. for the reasons that i felt for them because their vulnerability was relatable on so many levels even if i've never had an identical life experience (which i'm thankful for). if i'm being honest, it was also partly because my hypochondriac tendencies were kicking in at the very mention of cancer.(forgive me if i constantly speak with so much vagueness). let's just say that i've been asked by people if i even cry, so the picture of me keeping myself together meant that the situation was really emotional even for the icyest of hearts.

nonetheless, it has been a week. a week of tedious activities that sucked the life, brawn and brainpower in me. i'm still trying to recover my wisdom as it is..haha..next in line, my creativity.perhaps writing jibberish will get me back on track and spark some inspiration, taking out the clutter will sort of bring me back to the feeling.

tomorrow ill put my thinking skills to proper use. not that i have a choice since i have a deadline. but as for now or even for tonight, let's dwell on the fact that i'm twenty four and very much single as i was twenty four years ago. or should i say less than that since i'm sure when i was an egg, there was a sperm that aimed for me... thus my conception haha..british humor. i don't even get myself (british humor...that's a laugh, but admittedly their accent is truly divine. hearing paul talk was an affirmation that i remain enamored by the british accent..teeheehee)

so yes, i'm twenty four and we are past the middle of the year. not much has changed. no new character since mr. dentist. or no character worth mentioning. let's keep our fingers crossed. i have yet to top my posts inspired by mr. dentist- which received warm reception from a few others.

as my mom's fave host says "toodles" hahaha. i so hate that gal's hosting skills..bwahahaha

so for now. toodles. (til i get my groove back)

wishful thinking

They say if you have vision board more or less these images will come true. well, i'm limiting my vision board with words (for now).

TRAVEL

greece.

italy.

japan.
south korea
florida, new york, washington dc.

CAREER
world reknowned travel- foodie writer/ host.
kickass pastry chef (with a famed coffee shop where people will flock through word of mouth)
entrepreneur.
philanthropist for animal welfare.

FRIVOLOUS WANTS
someone (whom i have described in detail in earlier posts)
dream home for our healthy happy and intact family (with massive pool and cabana)
succesful corporation

EVEN MORE FRIVOLOUS WANTS
one bag from every world class designer (same goes with my collection of sunglasses)
black land cruiser (for me and whichever dream car for the rest of the family.one each including brutus)
1 carat diamond studs (earrings and bracelet..laveet!)
everything my loved one desires!

in five years, i shall revisit this.

Relatable. [late post]

It just dawned on me, about a minute ago
That the guy i was demeaning was no different than i was months ago.
Admittedly,I was also a pathetic love sick puppy
Bombarding a guy with a series of texts
Although there was no profession of love. Thank God.
The thing is this isn't a revelation at all.
I've always been a black or white type of person when it comes to sappy matters.
One day, i'm all cold and rigid to those i have no interest on
Next thing you know, I'm uber attentive and accommodating, to those whom i fancy.
It doesn't take me years or even months or weeks to be enamored by a guy
to fall dangerously in love with a guy.
Days are enough to cultivate the feeling.
Everything happens in a jiff
like i was racing to get to the front door first.
like a fish grasping for air
i grasp for him like my life depended in it.
sick sick sick..
i really do lack safe control.
i surrender when i chose to.
this is the drawback of being too much in control.
cause when you finally let go, you simply fall into the pathetic arms of irrationality.
PATHETIC

THE quote of all quotes

intro: its been months since i last blogged, its been that long that i almost forgot my password

anywho, partly for the sake of posting something and mostly because of a conversation with a fellow artist (which reminded me of this quote), i am sharing this very honest quote i heard years ago from a very surprising film:

Beverly Clark: We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

p.s. im soo not a believer of marriages..hehe but still i loved this quote

a matter of self preservation

i had a wonderful chitchat with a very good highschool friend early this morning (at the wee hours of the morning my time and mid-morning her time). My then frenemy and i keep in touch as much as we can, chatting about the good ole days (which pretty much includes updates on the lives of our other batchmates).

we talked about our lives, the theater, boys or men in our lives, and of course who did who. For some reason though, we found ourselves talking about a guy who both broke our hearts. We were down memory lane yet again. Then she reminded me about her most recent trip here wherein they sorta rekindled their friendship (hanging out one whole day). I could not remember her telling me about this! i was totally clueless (with a tinge of betrayal). so she had to gab about the whole thing again. Alas alas, mr. you broke our hearts was apparently attached even then (what's his deal?!?!? a couple of summers ago he was suddenly back in my life *textswise*. as in really back. but he never bothered to tell me that he and his a.k.a. bestfriend are together! that i'll never figure out).

Anywho, after that brief trip down memory lane i was obsessed about the girl again. I had to put a face to the name. Thanks to those sick social networks we get to efficiently stalk people.hahaha. I had to put a face to the name. While i was in the pursuit of putting a face to the name, i finally remembered this story. She did tell me about it as soon as we got hold of each other after the incident. I knew about it. I could even remeber what I exactly felt after the big revelation (seriously, like some sick puppy i knew even then that they were together, i was in simply denial).

to summarize: I forgot about the whole thing as a knee-jerk reaction, a matter of self preservation. As I learned during our psych class in college, we repress certain memories precisely to protect ourselves from the intense emotions that comes with these memories.

sidenote: I woke up a lil earlier than usual this morning. and guess what i did it. i cleaned up my phonebook. removed ceratin contacts. clean slate. tabula rasa.

UNinspired

ive been MIA for some weeks now.


primary cause: lack of time to think (that's refreshing to hear!) AND very very very uninspired!


i admit... men, boys or guys (semantics!) inspire me hahaha... at the very least inspire me to write. Mr. dentist did that precisely. sadly he's all in the past. Number permanently erased.


i would have wanted to return to the cyberworld with a fantabulous story... mind you...i waited and waited and waited..but to no avail... i am back with the same mediocre life story...


i was hopeful for a time though... cause there was a buzz in the office about a guy... a guy who's enamored by moi (haha im exaggerating of course)... i deduced this ok. but i think there really is a guy. as to who he is i have no clue. i first heard about the guy when i was chitchatting with the hubby of our mom figure in the office.


brief background:everyone in the office is convinced that i have the tendency to blow off my monthly check with my very unpractical bag purchases...haha and to top it all off everyone knows that i've been eyeing an LV bag for my bday...


i was joking about it with him (the hubby) asking him if he knew anyone who'd be fool enough to get me one. surprisingly, he said he actually knew someone. i kept composed (seemingly disinterested when here i am weeks later blogging bout it) and replied "go!basta walang kapalit. no strings attached". or something to that effect. that's basically the highlight of the story. i never bothered to ask more about the guy. i have to keep up with my infamous reputation. i mean if he really likes me come on make the move (then ill turn you down..kidding! or not!).

so that made me hoping. by that i meant he. not that i wanted him to profess his undying crush for me. it was more of knowing that someone remembered and made a gesture (grand)haha.

which reminds me (office romance). in my world, DOMs rule. not that i have a say in this. i came in with that structure in place. anyway, i was on the lift with my officemate. i forgot my id then so she had to loan me her fairly large envelope. I was hugging the said envelope (to hide the fact that i forgot my id) when in comes one of the DOM rulers. He stood next to me. Since he was our senior, we greeted him with much gaiety. after which he conveniently pionted (his fingertip touched the envelope and lingered there then off and back again) at the envelope i was hugging (right where my dairy area was located at the other side of the envelope) playfully asking what was inside it the joking later if there was money in it. Remaining polite, i looked at my officemate and then back to him and told him it was all papers. Then i gave him a cold shoulder and he finally gave up with his attempt for small talk and pretended to text instead. A few days after there was a blind item on a similar incident that happened on the vip lift but between the (who had similar features) lift operator minus the protective envelope barrier and the said DOM (who was in a blind item earlier this year for attempting to make a move on his staff with similar features again)

rubbish entry i know. im just forcing myself to post an entry to get back in the game.

i need inspiration!come to me please! i need you! mr. made to order, i'm praying for you to pop into my life ! GIVE ME INSPIRATION!

what's the word... Mamihlapinatapai

Mamihlapinatapai (sometimes spelled mamihlapinatapei) is a word from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, listed in The Guinness Book of World Records as the "most succinct word", and is considered one of the hardest words to translate.[1] It describes "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start."
The word consists of the reflexive/passive prefix ma- (mam- before a vowel), the root ihlapi (pronounced [iɬapi]), which means to be at a loss as what to do next, the stative suffix -n, an achievement suffix -ata, and the dual suffix -apai, which in composition with the reflexive mam- has a reciprocal sense.
It is also the title of a song by the American singer-songwriter Ronny Cox.[2]

* a friend posted this..and its so worth reposting

mid twenties

a few days from now i'll be officially transitioning from early twenties to mid twenties.

in one word: BOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

recap: i've spent the last weeks or was it months knee deep with work particularly our baby project exhibit. This is aside from my regular work. i've literally been doubling the effort to hold myself (including my body) together. come friday, my legs were giving up on me. and i had incurred the consequences of using felt paper- clogged pores

so as my bday approaches and as i relish my last few days as a twenty three year old, let me list my materialistic/ superficial birthday wishes:
1. Mr. Dentist..im kidding! any guy (or guys) who would fit my previous post onmy made to order guy would do
2. original copies of my fave movies (which maybe complicated since i don't have a ready list for this.. i did get hold of pride and prejudice and sabrina a few weeks ago..and am expecting breakfast a tiffany's on tuesday..haha)
3. a copy of my requested video greeting from my idol (yes... masa!)
4. aggy's cake or cupcakes... or blugre cake... sofitel buffet cookies (freshly baked!)
5. polaroid camera inc. the film thingies
6. substantial savings for a new car (to be bought pref. next year)
7. substantial money for vain stuff (about 50k)
8. sideline work that will require little time and effort but will bring in loads of cash
....
(to be edited)

thinking of you

i just have to blog about this song.

i absentmindedly mentioned it earlier just because it was on tv while i was busy ranting.

but after hearing it a number of times, can't help but fall inlove with the song.

here it goes....

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you

What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center

How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you

What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go

Now the lesson's learned
I touched it
I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you

What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night

Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes

Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes

Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

*i've highlight the best parts of the song....

are you taunting me

myself screaming my lungs out: are you taunting me?????



for twice now, i have resolved to end all ties to this madness. TWICE now. but for some reason (that may just be in my head ) things happen that make me turn back. and i'm not talking about vague prophetic signs of a burning bush ok. its as clear as the green lights saying go. so back to the thought, things happen, i make a second look, reacquaint myself to the feeling, surrender to the feeling and (when i'm really vulnerable like today) reestablish my ties. and then i find myself in the same situation where i was to begin with.



i've sought for the wisdom of my unbiased trusted peers (two to be exact) on this. they agreed that's its really not all in my head. note: not really all



so here's the deal. on my first attempt, i was away (farther away from him than usual... actually i've seen him thrice only so my location is really irrelevant since i'm really away from him). mid-day, i made a mental note to myself to simply cut all ties (meaning text messages. i so hate phones. i do stupid things thanks to this). na- da. no attempt to communicate on my part. kapoot. i was clearly obsessing over him and the idea of him. it was draining the life out of me (including the level headedness). i had to take matters, or my head and heart in this case, into my own hands. anyway, so there i was feeling empowered by my new resolution. i can do this. i had the will power. i managed before (when he was just a name) so what's the difference now.



come next morning (or was it afternoon), despite the fact that we had lil time to enjoy our breakfast (or whichever meal i was having then), i decided to pick up the newspaper (which i rarely did cause the ink always gets into my acidic hands), i read the news part (which again i rarely chose since i'm more of a features section gal). actually i have two recollections on what exactly happened. the former is the first version. the other version is that the person in front of me (who i knew) did her usual morning ritual of reading the paper while enjoying her meal and then i glanced at the paper she was reading. whichever really happened, the point is i took interest in the newspaper, i peered into or scanned the newspaper and alas i saw his face. it was a 1x1 or 2x2 picture i think, glorifying him for his scholastic achievement. what's weirder is that he wasn't the only picture in that one page ad, he was one of the little picture boxes. yet i saw it. i noticed it. i recognized him. so i took that as a clear sign to rethink my resolution. maybe i shouldn't all together shun him from my life. i'll just keep him in mind. somewhere at the back of my head (way way back). and so that's what i did.



my resolution to keep him at bay was challenged once again. yesterday i felt especially defeated (post sappy hearts day syndrome). how defeated was i? i even managed to make a lame excuse to text mr. 5 month fling (aside from mr. dentist.. .yes i efficiently created one text for both men. harhar). i was that depressed (or should i say desperate) with my situation. after my ill-thought textS (plural... because both failed to reply asap and so i made another pathetic text to which mr.5 month fling replied asap. he loves me. i'm kidding. while mr. dentist replied a lil after lunchtime). given my actions and moment of lunacy, i once again resolved to shun both guys (actually mr. 5 month fling has long been deduced to a memory) from my life. my second attempt to cut all ties was more proactive this time around. i deleted both numbers (and saved their names and numbers in my text folders- wouldn't want to be rude if they do text right?). after my herculean feat, i was elated once again. i felt empowered yet again. i can conquer this. yes i can.



however, come night time of the same day, while i was surfing the channels, i decided to settle with this local show. There were a lot of weird things about this picture (of me watching this particular show): (1)More often than not, i find myself almost always watching the rival show, but not this time; (2) i have the habit of constantly flipping channels when i get bored and the segment he was on wasn't at all interesting (3) i was on a sort of romantic film marathon that weekend care of the movie channels and this local show wasn't a movie show. so there i was, multi- tasking. i was chatting with a friend (ym) that i had made amends with earlier that day while sorta watching tv. i was just beginning to hint to her about mr. dentist, when to my surprise, guess who was on tv. it was mr. dentist. TOOOOOT (expletives).



is it really just in my head??? is this just a manifestation of my piscean attributes???? am i just being dreamy and illusory??? is the world conspiring to constantly remind me of him? or is it just really all in my head???????????????????



*ps. i'm anything but religious, i've just felt closer to Him lately (irrelative of my heart probs)

but truth be told, i've been having more conversations with Him lately (about this in particular).

i've come to accept (sort of) that's its not really selfish of me to pray for this. you see i've always believed that there are far more important things to pray for. his (whatever this is) is a selfish waste of a good prayer. praying for this equals major guilt. but praying for this doesn't mean that i'm taking away blessings from people who need them more than i do. or am i?

recently, also i've been conversing with him hoping to be able to carefully construct my prayer. i really could just ask for him outright(not that this will oblige Him to grant my prayer) but i'd rather not meddle with His plan. as i've always said to Him: let it be done. but i am offering slash raising my selfish intentions to Him, that i'd meet someone wonderful this year whom i'd love and will love me with the same breadth.



sappy sappy.



all this sappyness said, im taking this as a reinforcement sign to keep him in mind. as my big sister told me one, don't cut the friendship but respect the relationship.

piscean: a quick guide and more (lots more)

Symbol: the Fish
Ruling Planet: Jupiter / Neptune
Ruling House: Twelfth House
Element: Water
Quality: Mutable
Body Parts: feet
Keyword: SUBCONSCIOUS
Date with destiny: Cancer, Scorpio
Run for the hills: Gemini, Sagittarius
Where you glow: helping others - guilty! i get a different high from this
What makes you tick: writing poetry - not true in my case
Fitness forecast: meditation
Play date: going to the theatre - i looooooooooove the theater
Perfect jobs: TV producer, bartender
Best accessory: a toe ring - people who know me, know that i'm hardly without my toering A sure thing: taking in stray animals - i almost missed this. guilty again
Destination: Morocco
Pleasure: romance, helping others, compassion
Pain: reality, mean people, insensitivity - i have a major rift with some friends because of this
What's my line? Make love not war.

PiscesFebruary 19 - March 20
Pisces is the twelfth Sign of the Zodiac, and it is also the final Sign in the Zodiacal cycle. Hence, this Sign brings together many of the characteristics of the eleven Signs that have come before it. Pisceans, however, are happiest keeping many of these qualities under wraps. These folks are selfless, spiritual and very focused on their inner journey. They also place great weight on what they are feeling. Yes, feelings define Pisceans, and it's not uncommon for them to feel their own burdens (and joys) as well as those of others. The intuition of the Pisces-born is highly-evolved. Many people associate Pisceans with dreams and secrets, and it's a fair association, since those born under this Sign feel comfortable in an illusory world.

It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisceans, a symbol which prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisceans are fluid and easy-going, in keeping with the Mutable Quality assigned to this Sign. The fact that two fish (as opposed to one) represent the members of this Sign also speaks to the duality of Pisceans, their yin and yang sensibility. Pisceans alternate between reality and non-reality in keeping with their introspective natures; their voyage between consciousness and an unconscious dream state says much about their intuitive, almost psychic natures. For this reason, Pisceans can be hard to pin down, prompting some to call them the chameleons of the Zodiac. The Fish are happy to be considered hazy, since there's a certain sense of safety in that self-proclaimed netherworld. That said, they won't stay away for long, since one of their primary goals is to help others. Pisceans are compassionate, charitable and will quickly put the needs of others ahead of their own. It's this kind of self-sacrifice which keeps these folks going. The flip side to their giving natures is that oft-timid Fish are likely to be taken advantage of by less well-meaning souls.

Pisces is ruled by the Planets Jupiter and Neptune. In ancient Roman mythology, Jupiter (the original ruler of Pisces) was the king of the gods, while Neptune was the ruler of the seas. When Neptune was discovered in recent times, it was attached to this Sign. The pairing of these two heavenly bodies results in some unique energies being directed toward Pisceans here on Earth. Those born under this Sign are spiritually oriented and charitable. They are compassionate, easily feeling another's pain. At times, however, Pisceans can have difficulty distinguishing fact from fantasy: they tend to get caught up in their dreams and views of how things should be. To say they wear rose-colored glasses isn't much of a stretch. Pisceans who fear that their pleas aren't being heard tend to lapse into melancholy and, worse, the kind of pessimism which leads to procrastination and lethargy. At times like this, Pisceans are well-served to take some time for themselves, the better to find their center once again. Many Pisceans also immerse themselves in the arts and other creative pursuits as a centering mechanism, and they are quite talented in these areas.

The Element associated with Pisces is Water. Those born under this Sign easily relate to the emotional and unpredictable nature of this liquid gold. Pisceans feel a great deal, and they also feel misunderstood much of the time. They're not quite pushovers, but they're certainly sensitive. Yes, they could cry you a river if the circumstances were right. Even so, they revel in their compassionate and imaginative natures and love to cater to others. They can also be quite romantic, dreaming up delicious treats for their lover. Hopefully, any kindness will be reciprocated, because the Fish can certainly turn blue if they're not. Pisceans are generally gentle, easy-going folk, who are on the shy and reticent side. They are modest to the point of impracticality, often stepping up only to show their talents in painting or music. Easiest for the Fish (and still great fun) is living in their lush dream world.

More relaxation for the Fish comes in the way of sports, specifically water sports. Pisceans love to swim, and it's this easy glide in a pool or the sea which serves to alleviate much of their stress. Once their mind is at ease, the Fish are well-advised to focus on their feet, a frequent source of discomfort. Soothing comfort does come in a world colored in purple and soft white. When it comes to the game of love, Pisceans are caring and romantic and a most creative mate.

The great strength of the Pisces-born is their compassionate and charitable nature. These folks love to help others and do so in the most imaginative of ways. It's their feeling sensibility that wins people over.

annex to "at the end of the day"

that day... that week wouldn't have been that stressful if there was someone to share with how tiring my day was.

sappy sappy alert

putting two and two together

its a sappy sappy sappy hearts day.

if people who know me discover the existence of my blog i'm sure they'll be unable to put two and two together... will they ever be able to reconcile how they have come to know me and these sappy sappy posts.

its basically katy perry singing thinking of you- who would have thought she had it in her!

to most people (except maybe for my bffs, among others), i'm a coldhearted biatch without a romantic bone in place. well surprise surprise. i'm a closet romantic.

hmm.. come to think of it, a number of guy friends have sought my advice on how to woo their ladies... then again, that involves creativity and insight on how the female mind works. remember, third person genius.

so today on this sappy sappy day, i'm doubling my efforts to be unaffected when in fact i'm so affected.

for 20 +++ years now, i don't recall that i've ever celebrated it... or have i? i'm 99% sure i've NEVER celebrated it because its a friggin hallmark imposed holiday! hahaha... sorry but i'm one of those people who deem happy hearts day as a form of commercialism. killjoy!

i can even recall my usual response to this fishing question "what are your plans on vday"...my template response "sorry i don't celebrate vday". off the hook without hurting anyone.

speaking of things i have yet to do or experience in this lifetime... here's a quick checklist of what i have yet to experience (at the top of my head).

1. holding hands
im kidding. i had my first and only holding hands with mr. 5 month fling. and up to now, i can vividly picture those few moments.hahaha. he's a touchy person and i wasn't. he was very generous with the hugs and i wasn't the most accommodating recipient. it was an issue for me (how mature right). so hh was a compromise.

2. first kiss
and i'm not talking about the never been kissed movie version ok. i really mean i've never been kissed. never. i'm saving this for my first bf (haha, in that case i may die without experiencing this all together). for a time, i even had virgin cheeks (cheeks were a no gone zone even for my closest guy friends, but alas, one really good guy friend innocently planted one on the cheek when he was saying goodbye, since then i've been more flexible about this).

3. first date
as i've efficiently profiled myself, i've never officially been on a date. i'm scared even with the prospect of saying yes to a date. i tried it once. i agreed to come with him to some fancy concert. he even bought my bff a ticket. three tickets, one for me, one for him and one for my bff. but last minute i chickened out. thank God we are still good friends till now. i think i'm ready for my first real date.i'm just waiting for the right guy to ask the right question (haha of course there are still qualifying words).

4. first bf
certified no boyfriend since birth. i do hope you come into my life this year, i maybe unable to wait for next year (kidding). enough said.

5. first love
oops, am done and over with this. first love equals mr. 5 month fling. yes, i seriously fell in love with mr. 5 month fling (then later found out that i was just one of his many flings. major ouch!karma!hahaha)

i'm keeping my fingers crossed. this could be the year or not. who knows.

*if only mr. dentist was unattached...hahaha... i can flirt with him without a care as to who gets hurt. then i can get my first bf, my first date and my first kiss (in no particular order). i'm kidding.

cheers to love on this sappy day!

at the end of the day

yesterday, work ended literally at the end of the day . by 12am we were finally home.

its been a long hard week, by tuesday i was already burned out (i shared these sentiments with the rest of my co-workers). and making matters even more stressful was my health scare early in the week (thanks personal doc for appeasing my worries!)

so yesterday was really just stretching ourselves for the very last time (for the week).

today i rest! we rest!

what theeeee... dinner for one

a minute ago, i didn't have anything to blog about.

that was a minute ago.

until i realized that most of my single friends have instantly found themselves a lovelife or should i say "valentine" life. just in time for february. whatttttt.

so here i am, with my new mantra but living the same life.

there must be really something wrong with what i'm doing.

actually it won't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's wrong.

foremost, im still glued to getting the wrong guys. its sort of an androgenous thing (sexist remark) - the love for the chase. its a different high when you get someone who's technically not to be taken. so i do play games. the cruel kind.

second, its not as if im doing anything new. im still staying in most of the time. no new hobbies. no chances of meeting new people. although for the first time ever, im becoming more vocal that i am open to the idea (after all my great friends are settled with even greater guys). wohoo!

third, my work isn't the most conjusive job for hunting for decent men. i seriously am looking for someone who has a totally different career, i want worldly conversations, i want to hear names (of people i don't know), experiences (i have no chances of experiencing myself), that sort of stuff. MDs are a spectrum apart from my work. should i consider changing careers...hm... won't the reason be a wee bit pathetic?!?!? or should i spend more time in the hospital..no thanks! i haven't gone back for my follow up check for more than six months now.

so these are only few of the things i have to work on. in fairness to me, im learning to plan ahead. again.

i used to be a long term planner. things made a 180 when i was in college, when i found myself taking a course totally different from my life plans. i wanted to be a doctor for crying out!

so i adopted. i learned to live on a day to day basis. in its truest sense. and so today, i can't even commit to events a week from the day itself. day to day basis. which was further enabled by the phrase "text text na lang tayo". i hate phones.hehehehe

long term plans..my next blog...or not

missing the feeling

* i started this earlier but couldn't bring myself to finish it.. i may tweak this in the future*

i wanna fall in love again.

this could have said it all.

i want to fall in love again.

i want to meet him for the first time.

i want to feel that chemistry on our first encounter.

i want to feel giddy the first time he tries to woo me with his romantic gestures.

i want everything in between our first encounter and finding myself in love again (finally).

i want to wake up with a sweet message on my phone waiting to be opened.

i want to share with him how my day was and ask about his, finding amusement in every detail of his story.

i want to end the day saying goodnight to him.

i want to spend my idle days with him.

i want to give him those secret looks and then both burst into mad laughter.

i want to share good conversations with him and feel as secure when all we share is silence and each other's company.

i want to bring him my to die for brownies or whichever i can manage to make during my free time and either way he'd marvel at my cooking prowess even if the food really sucked.

i want him to pop in anytime of the day just to say hi.

i want to cozy up next to him.

i want to give him a big warm bear hug just because.

i want to find his fingers intertwined with mine.

i want to miss him everytime he's too busy to see me.

i want to say sorry everytime i get impossibly bitchy on him.

i want the text messages, the phonecalls.

i want the conversations.

i want the fights. the drama.

i want the fuzzy feeling.

i want the intoxicating feeling.

i want it all.

i just....

i just want to fall in love again.

*i know the entries are getting either sappier than ever hahaha.. that's the beauty of anonymity... and zillions of blogs that people don't even know i or this blog exists...

one to go please!

if i could have him made to order... here are a few specs... fine not really a few.. a lot.. a list of well- thought specifications...

*once you've come to really know yourself (after 20ish years), you then proceed to knowing what you want... or WHO you want

on a superficial level:
1. "like" or "attraction" at first sight..that's a must! first encounter is matter of make or break

2. goodlooking (i don't want to be a hypocrite... i have to be able to imagine myself happily waking up to such a face)

3. fair skinned, a shade lighter or darker than my own complexion (chinese complexion is preferred over caucasian)

4. significantly taller than i am cause i look taller than i really am ( i love the feel of my back on a strong chest, when standing in front of him- does this make sense?!?)

5. eyes that smile (i'm a sucker for this)

6. witty (i wanna be able to converse with him about the pettiest to the most intellectual matters... fluent in english please... i cringe hearing basic grammatical errors)

7. childish and with a mad sense of humor (i'm generally a childish slash serious type of person, kinda ironic... so i'd love someone who'd make me laugh and join me in my childish antics)

8. from a very decent family (an established family is a major plus)

9. in connection with no.8 even if he's from a sorta well-off family, i'd prefer someone with
ambition, direction...an actual life plan and is on the right track (towards his ambition)

10. NOT a smoker... occassional drinker is tolerable

11. guys who are a bore are a NO- NO... YES- YES to someone who'll have fresh ideas as to what to do (i have a very short attention span....must keep me interested... don't expect me to equate dates with malling and movies... one day i wanna eat somewhere fancy, one day i wanna go to some street indian restau, one day i wanna rockclimb, one day i wanna watch a play...very diverse...major mood swings)

12. someone with basic know-how on etiquette ( i abhor loud obnoxious men!!!!)

13. Must love animals! Must love family! Must love friends!

14. Doctors, Dentists, Businessmen (not some small scale business) have an edge

15. hot bod!! (yes..women can act like pigs as well..haha kidding) but i really do mean hot bod! not the bouncer type... lean and cut!

gutt feeling

im seriously convinced that this year will be different! (life is half fate and half hard work)



with my renewed outlook in life



*yes, his effect is lasting...if only i could thank him personally... perhaps some other time... this ISN'T the best time (he hasn't been replying lately).



tomorrow's chinese new year...



and so today, i and a couple of good friends decided (actually i bullied them) to assume this mantra of saying "yes" to everything for one week starting tomorrow (of course, there are a few rules).



let's see how things go... am hoping for some great adventures for me and my fab friends!

cheers to a new year!

tonight we celebrate !

next please

the excitement has fizzled...

i text him just because... because i really feel that he's gonna be a swell buddy...

its funny having guy friends who've seen you at your worst (drool and all)... there's really no need to pretend... besides the expectations are set very low early on .hahahaha

but there's thing about guy friends in relationships...

if you meet them while they were single, most likely you'd be the least of their priorities (even if you're like the best of friends) when they get attached.

if you meet them when they're attached, i don't think you'll even get to create a legit friendship...bwahaha...

realizations. realizations.

before i forget... cliche...

"aanhin pa ang damo kung wala ng kabayo"

"what's the use of masterpiece if there's no one (yung ok naman ha..wag sino sino lang) to admire it"

bwahaha

so basically aside from being emotionally inept... feelingera din ako! love it!

p.s. im stopping myself from editing my past posts...there are quite a number of typos!

p.p.s tomorrow i'm gonna think about my life list with a new mantra inspired by the post of my bff.

life's a book

do you ever get the feeling that your life is a book...

that characters are constanly coming in., assuming various roles in your life.

you keep on guessing what role they'll play in your life and if they'll stick to that for the rest of who knows when... or will their characters evolve and become permanents facets to your life story.

characters...
there are some who pose some form of hope that they'll put just enough drama in your life.. there are some who'll keep you on your toes...
there are some who'll feel like your fave pair of jeans... familiar and comforting...
there are some who you can't wait to write off

then you flip from one chapter to another... at fate's pacing.

no matter how much you're itching to know the ending- you can't. because half the fun is in the journey to get to the end.

nevertheless, you are convinced. you are certain that this year will be different.

changes will be for certain.

except this time you'll be there with open arms, anxiously waiting for what is yet to come.

cure for the blues

who would have ever thought that the best cure for the blues are a couple of good movies and a bucket of cries.

yesterday, i went on a solo mini movie marathon of the movies i've been wanting to watch but haven't found the time to.

these were great films about women.... from friends to mothers and daughters.

its the type of movie which would make you hope that one day you and your friends would reach the same level of friendship. a comforting idea.

after the first one, i could feel my feminism and women empowerment genes kicking in again. i felt as if i was being reborn again. yey me!

i wish i could have thought of this days ago, this could have saved me from a lot of drama.harhar

there was also a common theme yesterday... the most common mistake of women is being too available. Men are hunters.

thoughts to ponder on ladies.

encore..curtains fall

good morning sunshine!

confession: a number of texts were exchanged after my most recent post last night.

more than ever it was reinforced that hes a really really good person. and loyal. (that kinda says it all).

semi-quoting "baka you see a brother in me kaya ganun! im happy din na after ** years, nagkita tayo ulit! Natouch naman ako dun!haha..."

"hehe. wala lang yun. di naman ganun iniisip ko. don't worry"

after more than a week (it felt like a year), i was genuinely thankful how things turned out. ( i literally blurted this out "thank you God. thank you.")

im not one to play games.

i cant even pull off the mysterious effect because if theres one thing about me that i love the most its that i am honest.

id rather lay down all the cards as early as now than go beating around the bush.

honesty is liberating. especially for an impatient person.

*i can't believe its only been a week (started: january 9)! i do "nurse" and "nurture" my feelings all too well.

after a week, i gained an awesome friend..a sibling... i had to ask him... given his sibling theory, hm...kuya? lil bro? sib? twin?... his last reply was...

semi-quoting: Ok goodnight twin sis!

confession numero dos: this is familiar ground... except that unlike most (past) guys who were itching to be in this stage with me were very vocal about what they felt... so as familiar as this is... its unchartered waters for me.

curtains fall

lets see if i can control myself from texting him til the 27th

easy come easy go

as easy as it started... it must now come to an end

i'll be ending it.afterall, im the only one who knows it even began.

happiness is a conscious choice as grumpyness is.

so tomorrow, i resolve to be happy.

ive nursed the feeling too much and too long and all too well...
because it made me write... write as if i meant every word...

needless to say ive gained more than enough from this.

its time to close this chapter and move on to the next

besides, i really cant bear to do this... im much better than this...

so tomorrow, i resolve to stop whatever this is

p.s.
what started as an innocent good bye text kinda became more than what i intended it to be...
far too honest for my taste...
kinda selfish too because i turned the tables on him...
the ball is now in his court.
thats if he even cares that the ball is in his court.

you made me thinking

NOTE: im jumping to another topic or post...kinda getting poetic at this point.

you made me thinking.

for the first time in 23 years...someone made me thinking.

you made me thinking.

ive always been a believer of love at first sight.

(gawd even saying that makes me barf..can anything get more cliche than this)

i knew the moment we met. i just knew.

amidst everything that was happening then, i knew.

perhaps i knew even then when i first heard about you.

but i was just plain scared.

i like how things were.

and so i pushed the thoughts at the back of my mind.

but i must admit, even then you made thinking .

you see, ive long decided on my future.

single or at most unmarried but attached.

no kids. absolutely no kids.

not even dreaming up my wedding.

but you made me thinking.

you seriously made me thinking .

in a matter of two meet-ups and a couple of text messages exchanged

texts, most of which i initiated.

all of which was in the context of two friends meeting up again after a long time.

because you just made me thinking.

whether or not something will come out of this

im glad and thankful.

simply because (as my friend aptly puts it) someone's finally pulling me out of my shell again,

whether intentionally or not,

thank you for being that someone.

so before things get more complicated.

most likely by my own doing.

since you are attached (happily i suppose)

and i'm (hopefully) just creating a (temporary) ripple in it.

because as much as you made me thinking

i can't bear to be responsible for turning your world upside down.

even if that would mean having you.

because after all you made me thinking.

if only i had known you a lil earlier.

when what would have only mattered was you and me.

and you may have made me thinking then.

or not.

fate has a funny way of writing our life story.

things happen when they ought to happen.

nonetheless, you made me thinking now.

so let me apologize as early as now

if i may cause undesevred ripple or two.

it may be selfish of me but you just made me thinking.

and i thought it was worth a try.

a risk i would have never taken years ago.

so let me also thank you as early as now

thank you because you simply made me thinking.

if my heart could rock out

"I want you to want me.

I need you to need me.

Id love you to love me.

Im beggin you to beg me..."



"....Ill get home early from work if you say that you love me."



*i'm going to chronicle this...in case, something comes out of this...i wanna remember how it started hahaha (fine... i am banking on this.a lot. it's not everyday i find someone i really like)



Before the second meet up, I had a good conversation with my bff. I resolved that i had to find out. She added that if he was indeed in a relationship, i should completely bail out from this as early as now. I agreed of course.



Off to the meet up...

i got there early and when he got there, i was HAPPY.For a few moments, i wasn't lonely. i forgot why i was really there in the first place.



Anyway, he was in his uniform so i didn't get to gauge his taste in clothes...but if he is anything like his mom, i'm sure he dresses well)



small talk... i asked him bout his school...actually i was going more for his love life (is it just me or is it him??? do i appear to not have any slight interest at all?!?! it was easy to deduce what i really wanted to know)



it was awkward in the beginning, we could not even establish any eye contact (since we were sitting side by side). he was practicing (along side his dad) eversince he graduated then came back to manila for this 6-month apprenticeship



he was uber cute (i noticed that early on even if he was wearing this thing on his head and his mouth-- his eyes were enought to marvel at hahaha).our small talk was cut short because i was due to get on the seat. i was so nervous and giddy... that i babbled a lot.



i got on the seat. then the prep was started. by the way, he was assisting. Major awkward moment. Funny thing, as we were starting, for a minute he just stood there looking. The point person joked about it. i froze... why the hell was he staring...did he see something awfully wrong with me???? i was literally under the spotlight (but hey...i know i look my best in yellow light)



nothing exciting happened during the ops itself. i couldn't speak in my condition. then just when we were almost done, the point person had to go out for awhile... awkward...he was mumbling something. i wanted to see if he was texting anyone (i badly needed a sign).i was too frazzled to talk. the point person finally came back. at bout mid afternoon, the whole thing was ove. by then, i was at my worst possible physical state...face swelling and drooling (which he joked about..mean!haha that's how comfy we were with each other). he volunteered to call my mum to tell her i was done (was he rushing to get rid of me). i couldn't respond. i wanted to tell him to just text her. he's done more than enough for me. good thing the line was busy.so he texted her.

i stood up and went to the waiting room, filling up a form. he went out the ops room and excused himself (to the restroom)...and i was the one uncontrollably drooling..haha...we chatted some more while waiting for mum (he did most of the talking... i couldn't even feel my tongue at that point). finally my mum arrived, he offered his seat after "blessing" (such a well brought up person), i offered the seat at my other side (haha i moved a bit..a bit lang) haha

he was soo cute when we left. i gently patted his leg to say good bye.i think he said see you in two weeks (haha.. fine i'm putting too much into that standard statement). also, he also "blessed" sa dad ko (our families have long been friends).such a wonderful guy.

anyway, if you've noticed my lingering question wasn't answered that day...glum...but since i was a bullheaded person i forced the answer out of him through text..that same day too. this should be the subject of another post cause this one's way long...

as i said if my heart could rock out that's pretty much a clue

dead air

it's 8:27... approximately 30 minutes before a day has officially passed since i texted him.

still no reply.na-da. had to confide my woes to my bff.especially the part that i texted him.

no reply. how come? perhaps he had no load? was dead beat tired? or perhaps he's really in a relationship and replying to such text may make things complicated for him.

in a matter or three posts i have succesfully proven that indeed i'm emotionally inept. who crushes this hard and this fast???only i..harhar...

tomorrow is a new day... hoping against all hope that by tomorrow this infatuation would go kapoof....

curse the day cellphones were invented!

after almost successfully surviving the day without texting him... i did! at about 9pm, i had a seemingly bright idea then..."***!i forgot to text this to you yesterday...(more gibberish)...it was really nice seeing you after **** years" - PATHETIC

i have this rather very unhealthy habit of crushing on impossible people (yes, at 20ish i still find myself frequently crushing on people...there goes my EQ)... let me see...married with kids, married, to be married, happily attached for more than five years...you name it...

perhaps this is the survivor instinct kicking in...fine "survivor" isn't the most fitting word..unless i equate being attached to death... anyway, as i was blogging, i always chose the road which will lead me to certainty...the certainty of nothingness...kudos once again to my EQ

mind you, my crush on him was on a verrrry superficial level.hell ive met him once.i didn't even get to have a good look at him since i met up with him not exactly for the most romantic of reasons (teeth talks)...i did remember his white shoes..hehe

but alas, given that i am innately curious... i googled his name and found about 5 friendster accounts under his name...all five had different status (gawd..was he that popular in college that people made phony accounts ) sadly, the most active of which had a picture of him and some girl (even for a text that sounded obnoxious) and the status read : In a relationship..hooray!

so there you go..i did text him..a very pathetic message...desperate right?!?! despite knowing that he is in a relationship and despite my bff's advice to not pursue the idea

but its far more complicated than that (im trying to justify my action)...you see prior to this meet-up, our parents have been trying to match us up...or so my mum says...and his mum insists...you could have heard the wonderful things my mum had to say about him...so what's the deal? how come it took me this long to meet up with him? i don't believe in match ups.... i prefer "new people".... the list goes on...

but seriously, if he's in a relationship what's the deal with the matchmaking!?!?!

don't dangle things (persons included) i can never have...poor me...and just when i thought my 2009 would be an exciting year (if you must know, im a ten steps ahead type of gal)

good thing i have this weird dynamics on having crushes...if you must know, its very simple...you heighten the emotions to the point of no return, then you ultimately find what's wrong with the person then alas its either you reach your satiation point (get irritable even with the mere idea of the person) or you simply get turned off...

neophyte blogger on the loose

yey me!

i've finally managed to create my own blog...a very plain and basic blog ..expect no less than plain and basic for my future posts...

i have no idea how to manipulate this thing. in fact, until this morning i was resorting to my old school version of blogging- journal (harhar). it was more of a food journal with side retorts actually. yes, i am obsessed with my weight ( i weigh myself twice a day)and my food intake (women!)

blog-one of the main reasons why i purchased a laptop...with the hope of chronicling my thoughts... finding some sort of forum to vent out my pent up emotions... you see i'm not much of talker...i don't share about my uber exciting life (i'm being sarcastic)... i may die without anyone ever really knowing me...morbidity aside, my uneventful life is compensated by my overzeolous brain... i have these personal conversations with myself (creepy i know)...

anyway, here's a quick intro slash disclaimer of what the future holds for this blog site

why finally blog?
i NEED this to "control" my overwhelming emotions. otherwise, i may succumb to texting things that i will surely regret.

what not to expect?
exciting tidbits about my day...i'm generally a boring person

what to expect?
thought after thought after thought...there's more happenings in my head than there is in my life..harhar

Finally, as aptly entitled, i am an emotionally inept individual... i may be an unbiased and theoretically emotionally wise third person however, on matters of personal significance, i am a complete moron