are you taunting me

myself screaming my lungs out: are you taunting me?????



for twice now, i have resolved to end all ties to this madness. TWICE now. but for some reason (that may just be in my head ) things happen that make me turn back. and i'm not talking about vague prophetic signs of a burning bush ok. its as clear as the green lights saying go. so back to the thought, things happen, i make a second look, reacquaint myself to the feeling, surrender to the feeling and (when i'm really vulnerable like today) reestablish my ties. and then i find myself in the same situation where i was to begin with.



i've sought for the wisdom of my unbiased trusted peers (two to be exact) on this. they agreed that's its really not all in my head. note: not really all



so here's the deal. on my first attempt, i was away (farther away from him than usual... actually i've seen him thrice only so my location is really irrelevant since i'm really away from him). mid-day, i made a mental note to myself to simply cut all ties (meaning text messages. i so hate phones. i do stupid things thanks to this). na- da. no attempt to communicate on my part. kapoot. i was clearly obsessing over him and the idea of him. it was draining the life out of me (including the level headedness). i had to take matters, or my head and heart in this case, into my own hands. anyway, so there i was feeling empowered by my new resolution. i can do this. i had the will power. i managed before (when he was just a name) so what's the difference now.



come next morning (or was it afternoon), despite the fact that we had lil time to enjoy our breakfast (or whichever meal i was having then), i decided to pick up the newspaper (which i rarely did cause the ink always gets into my acidic hands), i read the news part (which again i rarely chose since i'm more of a features section gal). actually i have two recollections on what exactly happened. the former is the first version. the other version is that the person in front of me (who i knew) did her usual morning ritual of reading the paper while enjoying her meal and then i glanced at the paper she was reading. whichever really happened, the point is i took interest in the newspaper, i peered into or scanned the newspaper and alas i saw his face. it was a 1x1 or 2x2 picture i think, glorifying him for his scholastic achievement. what's weirder is that he wasn't the only picture in that one page ad, he was one of the little picture boxes. yet i saw it. i noticed it. i recognized him. so i took that as a clear sign to rethink my resolution. maybe i shouldn't all together shun him from my life. i'll just keep him in mind. somewhere at the back of my head (way way back). and so that's what i did.



my resolution to keep him at bay was challenged once again. yesterday i felt especially defeated (post sappy hearts day syndrome). how defeated was i? i even managed to make a lame excuse to text mr. 5 month fling (aside from mr. dentist.. .yes i efficiently created one text for both men. harhar). i was that depressed (or should i say desperate) with my situation. after my ill-thought textS (plural... because both failed to reply asap and so i made another pathetic text to which mr.5 month fling replied asap. he loves me. i'm kidding. while mr. dentist replied a lil after lunchtime). given my actions and moment of lunacy, i once again resolved to shun both guys (actually mr. 5 month fling has long been deduced to a memory) from my life. my second attempt to cut all ties was more proactive this time around. i deleted both numbers (and saved their names and numbers in my text folders- wouldn't want to be rude if they do text right?). after my herculean feat, i was elated once again. i felt empowered yet again. i can conquer this. yes i can.



however, come night time of the same day, while i was surfing the channels, i decided to settle with this local show. There were a lot of weird things about this picture (of me watching this particular show): (1)More often than not, i find myself almost always watching the rival show, but not this time; (2) i have the habit of constantly flipping channels when i get bored and the segment he was on wasn't at all interesting (3) i was on a sort of romantic film marathon that weekend care of the movie channels and this local show wasn't a movie show. so there i was, multi- tasking. i was chatting with a friend (ym) that i had made amends with earlier that day while sorta watching tv. i was just beginning to hint to her about mr. dentist, when to my surprise, guess who was on tv. it was mr. dentist. TOOOOOT (expletives).



is it really just in my head??? is this just a manifestation of my piscean attributes???? am i just being dreamy and illusory??? is the world conspiring to constantly remind me of him? or is it just really all in my head???????????????????



*ps. i'm anything but religious, i've just felt closer to Him lately (irrelative of my heart probs)

but truth be told, i've been having more conversations with Him lately (about this in particular).

i've come to accept (sort of) that's its not really selfish of me to pray for this. you see i've always believed that there are far more important things to pray for. his (whatever this is) is a selfish waste of a good prayer. praying for this equals major guilt. but praying for this doesn't mean that i'm taking away blessings from people who need them more than i do. or am i?

recently, also i've been conversing with him hoping to be able to carefully construct my prayer. i really could just ask for him outright(not that this will oblige Him to grant my prayer) but i'd rather not meddle with His plan. as i've always said to Him: let it be done. but i am offering slash raising my selfish intentions to Him, that i'd meet someone wonderful this year whom i'd love and will love me with the same breadth.



sappy sappy.



all this sappyness said, im taking this as a reinforcement sign to keep him in mind. as my big sister told me one, don't cut the friendship but respect the relationship.