mid twenties

a few days from now i'll be officially transitioning from early twenties to mid twenties.

in one word: BOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

recap: i've spent the last weeks or was it months knee deep with work particularly our baby project exhibit. This is aside from my regular work. i've literally been doubling the effort to hold myself (including my body) together. come friday, my legs were giving up on me. and i had incurred the consequences of using felt paper- clogged pores

so as my bday approaches and as i relish my last few days as a twenty three year old, let me list my materialistic/ superficial birthday wishes:
1. Mr. Dentist..im kidding! any guy (or guys) who would fit my previous post onmy made to order guy would do
2. original copies of my fave movies (which maybe complicated since i don't have a ready list for this.. i did get hold of pride and prejudice and sabrina a few weeks ago..and am expecting breakfast a tiffany's on tuesday..haha)
3. a copy of my requested video greeting from my idol (yes... masa!)
4. aggy's cake or cupcakes... or blugre cake... sofitel buffet cookies (freshly baked!)
5. polaroid camera inc. the film thingies
6. substantial savings for a new car (to be bought pref. next year)
7. substantial money for vain stuff (about 50k)
8. sideline work that will require little time and effort but will bring in loads of cash
....
(to be edited)

thinking of you

i just have to blog about this song.

i absentmindedly mentioned it earlier just because it was on tv while i was busy ranting.

but after hearing it a number of times, can't help but fall inlove with the song.

here it goes....

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you

What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

You're like an Indian summer
In the middle of winter
Like a hard candy
With a surprise center

How do I get better
Once I've had the best
You said there's
Tons of fish in the water
So the waters I will test

He kissed my lips
I taste your mouth
He pulled me in
I was disgusted with myself

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you

What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into...

You're the best
And yes I do regret
How I could let myself
Let you go

Now the lesson's learned
I touched it
I was burned
Oh I think you should know

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you

What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night

Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes
Looking into your eyes

Oh won't you walk through
And bust in the door
And take me away
Oh no more mistakes

Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay...

*i've highlight the best parts of the song....

are you taunting me

myself screaming my lungs out: are you taunting me?????



for twice now, i have resolved to end all ties to this madness. TWICE now. but for some reason (that may just be in my head ) things happen that make me turn back. and i'm not talking about vague prophetic signs of a burning bush ok. its as clear as the green lights saying go. so back to the thought, things happen, i make a second look, reacquaint myself to the feeling, surrender to the feeling and (when i'm really vulnerable like today) reestablish my ties. and then i find myself in the same situation where i was to begin with.



i've sought for the wisdom of my unbiased trusted peers (two to be exact) on this. they agreed that's its really not all in my head. note: not really all



so here's the deal. on my first attempt, i was away (farther away from him than usual... actually i've seen him thrice only so my location is really irrelevant since i'm really away from him). mid-day, i made a mental note to myself to simply cut all ties (meaning text messages. i so hate phones. i do stupid things thanks to this). na- da. no attempt to communicate on my part. kapoot. i was clearly obsessing over him and the idea of him. it was draining the life out of me (including the level headedness). i had to take matters, or my head and heart in this case, into my own hands. anyway, so there i was feeling empowered by my new resolution. i can do this. i had the will power. i managed before (when he was just a name) so what's the difference now.



come next morning (or was it afternoon), despite the fact that we had lil time to enjoy our breakfast (or whichever meal i was having then), i decided to pick up the newspaper (which i rarely did cause the ink always gets into my acidic hands), i read the news part (which again i rarely chose since i'm more of a features section gal). actually i have two recollections on what exactly happened. the former is the first version. the other version is that the person in front of me (who i knew) did her usual morning ritual of reading the paper while enjoying her meal and then i glanced at the paper she was reading. whichever really happened, the point is i took interest in the newspaper, i peered into or scanned the newspaper and alas i saw his face. it was a 1x1 or 2x2 picture i think, glorifying him for his scholastic achievement. what's weirder is that he wasn't the only picture in that one page ad, he was one of the little picture boxes. yet i saw it. i noticed it. i recognized him. so i took that as a clear sign to rethink my resolution. maybe i shouldn't all together shun him from my life. i'll just keep him in mind. somewhere at the back of my head (way way back). and so that's what i did.



my resolution to keep him at bay was challenged once again. yesterday i felt especially defeated (post sappy hearts day syndrome). how defeated was i? i even managed to make a lame excuse to text mr. 5 month fling (aside from mr. dentist.. .yes i efficiently created one text for both men. harhar). i was that depressed (or should i say desperate) with my situation. after my ill-thought textS (plural... because both failed to reply asap and so i made another pathetic text to which mr.5 month fling replied asap. he loves me. i'm kidding. while mr. dentist replied a lil after lunchtime). given my actions and moment of lunacy, i once again resolved to shun both guys (actually mr. 5 month fling has long been deduced to a memory) from my life. my second attempt to cut all ties was more proactive this time around. i deleted both numbers (and saved their names and numbers in my text folders- wouldn't want to be rude if they do text right?). after my herculean feat, i was elated once again. i felt empowered yet again. i can conquer this. yes i can.



however, come night time of the same day, while i was surfing the channels, i decided to settle with this local show. There were a lot of weird things about this picture (of me watching this particular show): (1)More often than not, i find myself almost always watching the rival show, but not this time; (2) i have the habit of constantly flipping channels when i get bored and the segment he was on wasn't at all interesting (3) i was on a sort of romantic film marathon that weekend care of the movie channels and this local show wasn't a movie show. so there i was, multi- tasking. i was chatting with a friend (ym) that i had made amends with earlier that day while sorta watching tv. i was just beginning to hint to her about mr. dentist, when to my surprise, guess who was on tv. it was mr. dentist. TOOOOOT (expletives).



is it really just in my head??? is this just a manifestation of my piscean attributes???? am i just being dreamy and illusory??? is the world conspiring to constantly remind me of him? or is it just really all in my head???????????????????



*ps. i'm anything but religious, i've just felt closer to Him lately (irrelative of my heart probs)

but truth be told, i've been having more conversations with Him lately (about this in particular).

i've come to accept (sort of) that's its not really selfish of me to pray for this. you see i've always believed that there are far more important things to pray for. his (whatever this is) is a selfish waste of a good prayer. praying for this equals major guilt. but praying for this doesn't mean that i'm taking away blessings from people who need them more than i do. or am i?

recently, also i've been conversing with him hoping to be able to carefully construct my prayer. i really could just ask for him outright(not that this will oblige Him to grant my prayer) but i'd rather not meddle with His plan. as i've always said to Him: let it be done. but i am offering slash raising my selfish intentions to Him, that i'd meet someone wonderful this year whom i'd love and will love me with the same breadth.



sappy sappy.



all this sappyness said, im taking this as a reinforcement sign to keep him in mind. as my big sister told me one, don't cut the friendship but respect the relationship.

piscean: a quick guide and more (lots more)

Symbol: the Fish
Ruling Planet: Jupiter / Neptune
Ruling House: Twelfth House
Element: Water
Quality: Mutable
Body Parts: feet
Keyword: SUBCONSCIOUS
Date with destiny: Cancer, Scorpio
Run for the hills: Gemini, Sagittarius
Where you glow: helping others - guilty! i get a different high from this
What makes you tick: writing poetry - not true in my case
Fitness forecast: meditation
Play date: going to the theatre - i looooooooooove the theater
Perfect jobs: TV producer, bartender
Best accessory: a toe ring - people who know me, know that i'm hardly without my toering A sure thing: taking in stray animals - i almost missed this. guilty again
Destination: Morocco
Pleasure: romance, helping others, compassion
Pain: reality, mean people, insensitivity - i have a major rift with some friends because of this
What's my line? Make love not war.

PiscesFebruary 19 - March 20
Pisces is the twelfth Sign of the Zodiac, and it is also the final Sign in the Zodiacal cycle. Hence, this Sign brings together many of the characteristics of the eleven Signs that have come before it. Pisceans, however, are happiest keeping many of these qualities under wraps. These folks are selfless, spiritual and very focused on their inner journey. They also place great weight on what they are feeling. Yes, feelings define Pisceans, and it's not uncommon for them to feel their own burdens (and joys) as well as those of others. The intuition of the Pisces-born is highly-evolved. Many people associate Pisceans with dreams and secrets, and it's a fair association, since those born under this Sign feel comfortable in an illusory world.

It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisceans, a symbol which prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisceans are fluid and easy-going, in keeping with the Mutable Quality assigned to this Sign. The fact that two fish (as opposed to one) represent the members of this Sign also speaks to the duality of Pisceans, their yin and yang sensibility. Pisceans alternate between reality and non-reality in keeping with their introspective natures; their voyage between consciousness and an unconscious dream state says much about their intuitive, almost psychic natures. For this reason, Pisceans can be hard to pin down, prompting some to call them the chameleons of the Zodiac. The Fish are happy to be considered hazy, since there's a certain sense of safety in that self-proclaimed netherworld. That said, they won't stay away for long, since one of their primary goals is to help others. Pisceans are compassionate, charitable and will quickly put the needs of others ahead of their own. It's this kind of self-sacrifice which keeps these folks going. The flip side to their giving natures is that oft-timid Fish are likely to be taken advantage of by less well-meaning souls.

Pisces is ruled by the Planets Jupiter and Neptune. In ancient Roman mythology, Jupiter (the original ruler of Pisces) was the king of the gods, while Neptune was the ruler of the seas. When Neptune was discovered in recent times, it was attached to this Sign. The pairing of these two heavenly bodies results in some unique energies being directed toward Pisceans here on Earth. Those born under this Sign are spiritually oriented and charitable. They are compassionate, easily feeling another's pain. At times, however, Pisceans can have difficulty distinguishing fact from fantasy: they tend to get caught up in their dreams and views of how things should be. To say they wear rose-colored glasses isn't much of a stretch. Pisceans who fear that their pleas aren't being heard tend to lapse into melancholy and, worse, the kind of pessimism which leads to procrastination and lethargy. At times like this, Pisceans are well-served to take some time for themselves, the better to find their center once again. Many Pisceans also immerse themselves in the arts and other creative pursuits as a centering mechanism, and they are quite talented in these areas.

The Element associated with Pisces is Water. Those born under this Sign easily relate to the emotional and unpredictable nature of this liquid gold. Pisceans feel a great deal, and they also feel misunderstood much of the time. They're not quite pushovers, but they're certainly sensitive. Yes, they could cry you a river if the circumstances were right. Even so, they revel in their compassionate and imaginative natures and love to cater to others. They can also be quite romantic, dreaming up delicious treats for their lover. Hopefully, any kindness will be reciprocated, because the Fish can certainly turn blue if they're not. Pisceans are generally gentle, easy-going folk, who are on the shy and reticent side. They are modest to the point of impracticality, often stepping up only to show their talents in painting or music. Easiest for the Fish (and still great fun) is living in their lush dream world.

More relaxation for the Fish comes in the way of sports, specifically water sports. Pisceans love to swim, and it's this easy glide in a pool or the sea which serves to alleviate much of their stress. Once their mind is at ease, the Fish are well-advised to focus on their feet, a frequent source of discomfort. Soothing comfort does come in a world colored in purple and soft white. When it comes to the game of love, Pisceans are caring and romantic and a most creative mate.

The great strength of the Pisces-born is their compassionate and charitable nature. These folks love to help others and do so in the most imaginative of ways. It's their feeling sensibility that wins people over.

annex to "at the end of the day"

that day... that week wouldn't have been that stressful if there was someone to share with how tiring my day was.

sappy sappy alert

putting two and two together

its a sappy sappy sappy hearts day.

if people who know me discover the existence of my blog i'm sure they'll be unable to put two and two together... will they ever be able to reconcile how they have come to know me and these sappy sappy posts.

its basically katy perry singing thinking of you- who would have thought she had it in her!

to most people (except maybe for my bffs, among others), i'm a coldhearted biatch without a romantic bone in place. well surprise surprise. i'm a closet romantic.

hmm.. come to think of it, a number of guy friends have sought my advice on how to woo their ladies... then again, that involves creativity and insight on how the female mind works. remember, third person genius.

so today on this sappy sappy day, i'm doubling my efforts to be unaffected when in fact i'm so affected.

for 20 +++ years now, i don't recall that i've ever celebrated it... or have i? i'm 99% sure i've NEVER celebrated it because its a friggin hallmark imposed holiday! hahaha... sorry but i'm one of those people who deem happy hearts day as a form of commercialism. killjoy!

i can even recall my usual response to this fishing question "what are your plans on vday"...my template response "sorry i don't celebrate vday". off the hook without hurting anyone.

speaking of things i have yet to do or experience in this lifetime... here's a quick checklist of what i have yet to experience (at the top of my head).

1. holding hands
im kidding. i had my first and only holding hands with mr. 5 month fling. and up to now, i can vividly picture those few moments.hahaha. he's a touchy person and i wasn't. he was very generous with the hugs and i wasn't the most accommodating recipient. it was an issue for me (how mature right). so hh was a compromise.

2. first kiss
and i'm not talking about the never been kissed movie version ok. i really mean i've never been kissed. never. i'm saving this for my first bf (haha, in that case i may die without experiencing this all together). for a time, i even had virgin cheeks (cheeks were a no gone zone even for my closest guy friends, but alas, one really good guy friend innocently planted one on the cheek when he was saying goodbye, since then i've been more flexible about this).

3. first date
as i've efficiently profiled myself, i've never officially been on a date. i'm scared even with the prospect of saying yes to a date. i tried it once. i agreed to come with him to some fancy concert. he even bought my bff a ticket. three tickets, one for me, one for him and one for my bff. but last minute i chickened out. thank God we are still good friends till now. i think i'm ready for my first real date.i'm just waiting for the right guy to ask the right question (haha of course there are still qualifying words).

4. first bf
certified no boyfriend since birth. i do hope you come into my life this year, i maybe unable to wait for next year (kidding). enough said.

5. first love
oops, am done and over with this. first love equals mr. 5 month fling. yes, i seriously fell in love with mr. 5 month fling (then later found out that i was just one of his many flings. major ouch!karma!hahaha)

i'm keeping my fingers crossed. this could be the year or not. who knows.

*if only mr. dentist was unattached...hahaha... i can flirt with him without a care as to who gets hurt. then i can get my first bf, my first date and my first kiss (in no particular order). i'm kidding.

cheers to love on this sappy day!

at the end of the day

yesterday, work ended literally at the end of the day . by 12am we were finally home.

its been a long hard week, by tuesday i was already burned out (i shared these sentiments with the rest of my co-workers). and making matters even more stressful was my health scare early in the week (thanks personal doc for appeasing my worries!)

so yesterday was really just stretching ourselves for the very last time (for the week).

today i rest! we rest!

what theeeee... dinner for one

a minute ago, i didn't have anything to blog about.

that was a minute ago.

until i realized that most of my single friends have instantly found themselves a lovelife or should i say "valentine" life. just in time for february. whatttttt.

so here i am, with my new mantra but living the same life.

there must be really something wrong with what i'm doing.

actually it won't take a rocket scientist to figure out what's wrong.

foremost, im still glued to getting the wrong guys. its sort of an androgenous thing (sexist remark) - the love for the chase. its a different high when you get someone who's technically not to be taken. so i do play games. the cruel kind.

second, its not as if im doing anything new. im still staying in most of the time. no new hobbies. no chances of meeting new people. although for the first time ever, im becoming more vocal that i am open to the idea (after all my great friends are settled with even greater guys). wohoo!

third, my work isn't the most conjusive job for hunting for decent men. i seriously am looking for someone who has a totally different career, i want worldly conversations, i want to hear names (of people i don't know), experiences (i have no chances of experiencing myself), that sort of stuff. MDs are a spectrum apart from my work. should i consider changing careers...hm... won't the reason be a wee bit pathetic?!?!? or should i spend more time in the hospital..no thanks! i haven't gone back for my follow up check for more than six months now.

so these are only few of the things i have to work on. in fairness to me, im learning to plan ahead. again.

i used to be a long term planner. things made a 180 when i was in college, when i found myself taking a course totally different from my life plans. i wanted to be a doctor for crying out!

so i adopted. i learned to live on a day to day basis. in its truest sense. and so today, i can't even commit to events a week from the day itself. day to day basis. which was further enabled by the phrase "text text na lang tayo". i hate phones.hehehehe

long term plans..my next blog...or not

missing the feeling

* i started this earlier but couldn't bring myself to finish it.. i may tweak this in the future*

i wanna fall in love again.

this could have said it all.

i want to fall in love again.

i want to meet him for the first time.

i want to feel that chemistry on our first encounter.

i want to feel giddy the first time he tries to woo me with his romantic gestures.

i want everything in between our first encounter and finding myself in love again (finally).

i want to wake up with a sweet message on my phone waiting to be opened.

i want to share with him how my day was and ask about his, finding amusement in every detail of his story.

i want to end the day saying goodnight to him.

i want to spend my idle days with him.

i want to give him those secret looks and then both burst into mad laughter.

i want to share good conversations with him and feel as secure when all we share is silence and each other's company.

i want to bring him my to die for brownies or whichever i can manage to make during my free time and either way he'd marvel at my cooking prowess even if the food really sucked.

i want him to pop in anytime of the day just to say hi.

i want to cozy up next to him.

i want to give him a big warm bear hug just because.

i want to find his fingers intertwined with mine.

i want to miss him everytime he's too busy to see me.

i want to say sorry everytime i get impossibly bitchy on him.

i want the text messages, the phonecalls.

i want the conversations.

i want the fights. the drama.

i want the fuzzy feeling.

i want the intoxicating feeling.

i want it all.

i just....

i just want to fall in love again.

*i know the entries are getting either sappier than ever hahaha.. that's the beauty of anonymity... and zillions of blogs that people don't even know i or this blog exists...

one to go please!

if i could have him made to order... here are a few specs... fine not really a few.. a lot.. a list of well- thought specifications...

*once you've come to really know yourself (after 20ish years), you then proceed to knowing what you want... or WHO you want

on a superficial level:
1. "like" or "attraction" at first sight..that's a must! first encounter is matter of make or break

2. goodlooking (i don't want to be a hypocrite... i have to be able to imagine myself happily waking up to such a face)

3. fair skinned, a shade lighter or darker than my own complexion (chinese complexion is preferred over caucasian)

4. significantly taller than i am cause i look taller than i really am ( i love the feel of my back on a strong chest, when standing in front of him- does this make sense?!?)

5. eyes that smile (i'm a sucker for this)

6. witty (i wanna be able to converse with him about the pettiest to the most intellectual matters... fluent in english please... i cringe hearing basic grammatical errors)

7. childish and with a mad sense of humor (i'm generally a childish slash serious type of person, kinda ironic... so i'd love someone who'd make me laugh and join me in my childish antics)

8. from a very decent family (an established family is a major plus)

9. in connection with no.8 even if he's from a sorta well-off family, i'd prefer someone with
ambition, direction...an actual life plan and is on the right track (towards his ambition)

10. NOT a smoker... occassional drinker is tolerable

11. guys who are a bore are a NO- NO... YES- YES to someone who'll have fresh ideas as to what to do (i have a very short attention span....must keep me interested... don't expect me to equate dates with malling and movies... one day i wanna eat somewhere fancy, one day i wanna go to some street indian restau, one day i wanna rockclimb, one day i wanna watch a play...very diverse...major mood swings)

12. someone with basic know-how on etiquette ( i abhor loud obnoxious men!!!!)

13. Must love animals! Must love family! Must love friends!

14. Doctors, Dentists, Businessmen (not some small scale business) have an edge

15. hot bod!! (yes..women can act like pigs as well..haha kidding) but i really do mean hot bod! not the bouncer type... lean and cut!