gutt feeling

im seriously convinced that this year will be different! (life is half fate and half hard work)



with my renewed outlook in life



*yes, his effect is lasting...if only i could thank him personally... perhaps some other time... this ISN'T the best time (he hasn't been replying lately).



tomorrow's chinese new year...



and so today, i and a couple of good friends decided (actually i bullied them) to assume this mantra of saying "yes" to everything for one week starting tomorrow (of course, there are a few rules).



let's see how things go... am hoping for some great adventures for me and my fab friends!

cheers to a new year!

tonight we celebrate !

next please

the excitement has fizzled...

i text him just because... because i really feel that he's gonna be a swell buddy...

its funny having guy friends who've seen you at your worst (drool and all)... there's really no need to pretend... besides the expectations are set very low early on .hahahaha

but there's thing about guy friends in relationships...

if you meet them while they were single, most likely you'd be the least of their priorities (even if you're like the best of friends) when they get attached.

if you meet them when they're attached, i don't think you'll even get to create a legit friendship...bwahaha...

realizations. realizations.

before i forget... cliche...

"aanhin pa ang damo kung wala ng kabayo"

"what's the use of masterpiece if there's no one (yung ok naman ha..wag sino sino lang) to admire it"

bwahaha

so basically aside from being emotionally inept... feelingera din ako! love it!

p.s. im stopping myself from editing my past posts...there are quite a number of typos!

p.p.s tomorrow i'm gonna think about my life list with a new mantra inspired by the post of my bff.

life's a book

do you ever get the feeling that your life is a book...

that characters are constanly coming in., assuming various roles in your life.

you keep on guessing what role they'll play in your life and if they'll stick to that for the rest of who knows when... or will their characters evolve and become permanents facets to your life story.

characters...
there are some who pose some form of hope that they'll put just enough drama in your life.. there are some who'll keep you on your toes...
there are some who'll feel like your fave pair of jeans... familiar and comforting...
there are some who you can't wait to write off

then you flip from one chapter to another... at fate's pacing.

no matter how much you're itching to know the ending- you can't. because half the fun is in the journey to get to the end.

nevertheless, you are convinced. you are certain that this year will be different.

changes will be for certain.

except this time you'll be there with open arms, anxiously waiting for what is yet to come.

cure for the blues

who would have ever thought that the best cure for the blues are a couple of good movies and a bucket of cries.

yesterday, i went on a solo mini movie marathon of the movies i've been wanting to watch but haven't found the time to.

these were great films about women.... from friends to mothers and daughters.

its the type of movie which would make you hope that one day you and your friends would reach the same level of friendship. a comforting idea.

after the first one, i could feel my feminism and women empowerment genes kicking in again. i felt as if i was being reborn again. yey me!

i wish i could have thought of this days ago, this could have saved me from a lot of drama.harhar

there was also a common theme yesterday... the most common mistake of women is being too available. Men are hunters.

thoughts to ponder on ladies.

encore..curtains fall

good morning sunshine!

confession: a number of texts were exchanged after my most recent post last night.

more than ever it was reinforced that hes a really really good person. and loyal. (that kinda says it all).

semi-quoting "baka you see a brother in me kaya ganun! im happy din na after ** years, nagkita tayo ulit! Natouch naman ako dun!haha..."

"hehe. wala lang yun. di naman ganun iniisip ko. don't worry"

after more than a week (it felt like a year), i was genuinely thankful how things turned out. ( i literally blurted this out "thank you God. thank you.")

im not one to play games.

i cant even pull off the mysterious effect because if theres one thing about me that i love the most its that i am honest.

id rather lay down all the cards as early as now than go beating around the bush.

honesty is liberating. especially for an impatient person.

*i can't believe its only been a week (started: january 9)! i do "nurse" and "nurture" my feelings all too well.

after a week, i gained an awesome friend..a sibling... i had to ask him... given his sibling theory, hm...kuya? lil bro? sib? twin?... his last reply was...

semi-quoting: Ok goodnight twin sis!

confession numero dos: this is familiar ground... except that unlike most (past) guys who were itching to be in this stage with me were very vocal about what they felt... so as familiar as this is... its unchartered waters for me.

curtains fall

lets see if i can control myself from texting him til the 27th

easy come easy go

as easy as it started... it must now come to an end

i'll be ending it.afterall, im the only one who knows it even began.

happiness is a conscious choice as grumpyness is.

so tomorrow, i resolve to be happy.

ive nursed the feeling too much and too long and all too well...
because it made me write... write as if i meant every word...

needless to say ive gained more than enough from this.

its time to close this chapter and move on to the next

besides, i really cant bear to do this... im much better than this...

so tomorrow, i resolve to stop whatever this is

p.s.
what started as an innocent good bye text kinda became more than what i intended it to be...
far too honest for my taste...
kinda selfish too because i turned the tables on him...
the ball is now in his court.
thats if he even cares that the ball is in his court.

you made me thinking

NOTE: im jumping to another topic or post...kinda getting poetic at this point.

you made me thinking.

for the first time in 23 years...someone made me thinking.

you made me thinking.

ive always been a believer of love at first sight.

(gawd even saying that makes me barf..can anything get more cliche than this)

i knew the moment we met. i just knew.

amidst everything that was happening then, i knew.

perhaps i knew even then when i first heard about you.

but i was just plain scared.

i like how things were.

and so i pushed the thoughts at the back of my mind.

but i must admit, even then you made thinking .

you see, ive long decided on my future.

single or at most unmarried but attached.

no kids. absolutely no kids.

not even dreaming up my wedding.

but you made me thinking.

you seriously made me thinking .

in a matter of two meet-ups and a couple of text messages exchanged

texts, most of which i initiated.

all of which was in the context of two friends meeting up again after a long time.

because you just made me thinking.

whether or not something will come out of this

im glad and thankful.

simply because (as my friend aptly puts it) someone's finally pulling me out of my shell again,

whether intentionally or not,

thank you for being that someone.

so before things get more complicated.

most likely by my own doing.

since you are attached (happily i suppose)

and i'm (hopefully) just creating a (temporary) ripple in it.

because as much as you made me thinking

i can't bear to be responsible for turning your world upside down.

even if that would mean having you.

because after all you made me thinking.

if only i had known you a lil earlier.

when what would have only mattered was you and me.

and you may have made me thinking then.

or not.

fate has a funny way of writing our life story.

things happen when they ought to happen.

nonetheless, you made me thinking now.

so let me apologize as early as now

if i may cause undesevred ripple or two.

it may be selfish of me but you just made me thinking.

and i thought it was worth a try.

a risk i would have never taken years ago.

so let me also thank you as early as now

thank you because you simply made me thinking.

if my heart could rock out

"I want you to want me.

I need you to need me.

Id love you to love me.

Im beggin you to beg me..."



"....Ill get home early from work if you say that you love me."



*i'm going to chronicle this...in case, something comes out of this...i wanna remember how it started hahaha (fine... i am banking on this.a lot. it's not everyday i find someone i really like)



Before the second meet up, I had a good conversation with my bff. I resolved that i had to find out. She added that if he was indeed in a relationship, i should completely bail out from this as early as now. I agreed of course.



Off to the meet up...

i got there early and when he got there, i was HAPPY.For a few moments, i wasn't lonely. i forgot why i was really there in the first place.



Anyway, he was in his uniform so i didn't get to gauge his taste in clothes...but if he is anything like his mom, i'm sure he dresses well)



small talk... i asked him bout his school...actually i was going more for his love life (is it just me or is it him??? do i appear to not have any slight interest at all?!?! it was easy to deduce what i really wanted to know)



it was awkward in the beginning, we could not even establish any eye contact (since we were sitting side by side). he was practicing (along side his dad) eversince he graduated then came back to manila for this 6-month apprenticeship



he was uber cute (i noticed that early on even if he was wearing this thing on his head and his mouth-- his eyes were enought to marvel at hahaha).our small talk was cut short because i was due to get on the seat. i was so nervous and giddy... that i babbled a lot.



i got on the seat. then the prep was started. by the way, he was assisting. Major awkward moment. Funny thing, as we were starting, for a minute he just stood there looking. The point person joked about it. i froze... why the hell was he staring...did he see something awfully wrong with me???? i was literally under the spotlight (but hey...i know i look my best in yellow light)



nothing exciting happened during the ops itself. i couldn't speak in my condition. then just when we were almost done, the point person had to go out for awhile... awkward...he was mumbling something. i wanted to see if he was texting anyone (i badly needed a sign).i was too frazzled to talk. the point person finally came back. at bout mid afternoon, the whole thing was ove. by then, i was at my worst possible physical state...face swelling and drooling (which he joked about..mean!haha that's how comfy we were with each other). he volunteered to call my mum to tell her i was done (was he rushing to get rid of me). i couldn't respond. i wanted to tell him to just text her. he's done more than enough for me. good thing the line was busy.so he texted her.

i stood up and went to the waiting room, filling up a form. he went out the ops room and excused himself (to the restroom)...and i was the one uncontrollably drooling..haha...we chatted some more while waiting for mum (he did most of the talking... i couldn't even feel my tongue at that point). finally my mum arrived, he offered his seat after "blessing" (such a well brought up person), i offered the seat at my other side (haha i moved a bit..a bit lang) haha

he was soo cute when we left. i gently patted his leg to say good bye.i think he said see you in two weeks (haha.. fine i'm putting too much into that standard statement). also, he also "blessed" sa dad ko (our families have long been friends).such a wonderful guy.

anyway, if you've noticed my lingering question wasn't answered that day...glum...but since i was a bullheaded person i forced the answer out of him through text..that same day too. this should be the subject of another post cause this one's way long...

as i said if my heart could rock out that's pretty much a clue

dead air

it's 8:27... approximately 30 minutes before a day has officially passed since i texted him.

still no reply.na-da. had to confide my woes to my bff.especially the part that i texted him.

no reply. how come? perhaps he had no load? was dead beat tired? or perhaps he's really in a relationship and replying to such text may make things complicated for him.

in a matter or three posts i have succesfully proven that indeed i'm emotionally inept. who crushes this hard and this fast???only i..harhar...

tomorrow is a new day... hoping against all hope that by tomorrow this infatuation would go kapoof....

curse the day cellphones were invented!

after almost successfully surviving the day without texting him... i did! at about 9pm, i had a seemingly bright idea then..."***!i forgot to text this to you yesterday...(more gibberish)...it was really nice seeing you after **** years" - PATHETIC

i have this rather very unhealthy habit of crushing on impossible people (yes, at 20ish i still find myself frequently crushing on people...there goes my EQ)... let me see...married with kids, married, to be married, happily attached for more than five years...you name it...

perhaps this is the survivor instinct kicking in...fine "survivor" isn't the most fitting word..unless i equate being attached to death... anyway, as i was blogging, i always chose the road which will lead me to certainty...the certainty of nothingness...kudos once again to my EQ

mind you, my crush on him was on a verrrry superficial level.hell ive met him once.i didn't even get to have a good look at him since i met up with him not exactly for the most romantic of reasons (teeth talks)...i did remember his white shoes..hehe

but alas, given that i am innately curious... i googled his name and found about 5 friendster accounts under his name...all five had different status (gawd..was he that popular in college that people made phony accounts ) sadly, the most active of which had a picture of him and some girl (even for a text that sounded obnoxious) and the status read : In a relationship..hooray!

so there you go..i did text him..a very pathetic message...desperate right?!?! despite knowing that he is in a relationship and despite my bff's advice to not pursue the idea

but its far more complicated than that (im trying to justify my action)...you see prior to this meet-up, our parents have been trying to match us up...or so my mum says...and his mum insists...you could have heard the wonderful things my mum had to say about him...so what's the deal? how come it took me this long to meet up with him? i don't believe in match ups.... i prefer "new people".... the list goes on...

but seriously, if he's in a relationship what's the deal with the matchmaking!?!?!

don't dangle things (persons included) i can never have...poor me...and just when i thought my 2009 would be an exciting year (if you must know, im a ten steps ahead type of gal)

good thing i have this weird dynamics on having crushes...if you must know, its very simple...you heighten the emotions to the point of no return, then you ultimately find what's wrong with the person then alas its either you reach your satiation point (get irritable even with the mere idea of the person) or you simply get turned off...

neophyte blogger on the loose

yey me!

i've finally managed to create my own blog...a very plain and basic blog ..expect no less than plain and basic for my future posts...

i have no idea how to manipulate this thing. in fact, until this morning i was resorting to my old school version of blogging- journal (harhar). it was more of a food journal with side retorts actually. yes, i am obsessed with my weight ( i weigh myself twice a day)and my food intake (women!)

blog-one of the main reasons why i purchased a laptop...with the hope of chronicling my thoughts... finding some sort of forum to vent out my pent up emotions... you see i'm not much of talker...i don't share about my uber exciting life (i'm being sarcastic)... i may die without anyone ever really knowing me...morbidity aside, my uneventful life is compensated by my overzeolous brain... i have these personal conversations with myself (creepy i know)...

anyway, here's a quick intro slash disclaimer of what the future holds for this blog site

why finally blog?
i NEED this to "control" my overwhelming emotions. otherwise, i may succumb to texting things that i will surely regret.

what not to expect?
exciting tidbits about my day...i'm generally a boring person

what to expect?
thought after thought after thought...there's more happenings in my head than there is in my life..harhar

Finally, as aptly entitled, i am an emotionally inept individual... i may be an unbiased and theoretically emotionally wise third person however, on matters of personal significance, i am a complete moron