dear bf- letter 1

given that half the time, i am overdrive thinking and having personal conversations with myself, i finally decided to put these to good use- thus a letter series is born.

dear bf,

i recently found a suspicious bump on the other side of my palm. surprisingly i never noticed this. how weird is it that i noticed the exact same bump on my lolo's right hand (where i found mine) the night before. how convenient that i saw it while i was driving. yes, i was driving along macapagal when i saw this new bump. i frantically got my phone and texted all my doctor friends. i had to appease my hypochondriac self otherwise i'd go mental and i was heading to a dinner that night.

in the middle of all my panic i even managed to remember my letter series. this would definitely be my first topic (rather than falling asleep while stuck in traffic). i said to myself, i may have missed this but i was for certain that if there was somebody i held hands with or who occasionally stroked my hand this would not have been missed. so yeah, dear bf, even before you come into my life, i'm holding this against you. i say this with much amour though.

crappy hearts day or not

thank you for making me happy

without even knowing

and without even trying.

oxymoron

i want to hold on but im afraid the interest is starting to dwindle.

i want to make the effort but i think you have to give me at least something, anything to let me know that i should.

i want to wait but its a very looooong way ahead.

i want to keep busy for the time being but im afraid i might get totally sidetracked.

i want to enjoy the here and now but i can't help but wonder about the future.

i want to move forward but i can't help but look back and wonder what could have been had things been different.

Finally a Real Date

Finally. Days before I graduated from my early twenties and moved to my mid-twenties, I finally had my first real date.

Surprisingly, my first date was an antithesis of everything I stood for when it came to dates. It was a set-up date, almost fitting to be called a blind date.

Background: A good highschool friend sent me an sms out of the blue (without any intro) if I was up to being set up. After a hearty laugh on my part and a convincing sms from her that she was dead serious about setting me up, I said yes. She was of course shocked how easily I gave in. She had a whole elaborate plan in her head just in case I said no. She even took the initiative of asking my two bestfriends to help her out. I didn’t ask much about the guy, it was enough knowing that he was the older sib of her bf who’s also a good friend. Nevertheless, my friend did volunteer a lot of information which would ordinarily skyrocket any guy’s rating but in my case, it scared the hell out of me. He was obviously accomplished in his career and was the settling down type. I was just beginning with the social development haha One thing was constant in my head though, that this was a friendly date, no expectations. afterall he was leaving in a week. This was the jumpstart date I have been praying for (or should I say having personal conversations with the Big Guy). I could not afford to say no or else the Big Guy up there might just all together give up on me.

Pre- date:
So come days before the date night. He texted me and we set the specifics. Til that day I had no idea if we were going on a group date or what, all I knew was that I was not budging on the car arrangements(despite the combined efforts of my gal pals that this was a BAD idea)- I would be bringing my own car. Alas! My car was in the shop til that day! Back to the story, I didn’t ask where we were going until I was with him inside the car. Nonetheless I was my usually chatty self even while texting, or should I say more of my usual useless chatty self since he mostly took charge of setting the time since I was all over the place. I was in my character, giving him the upperhand in making decisions but I think he was also in his character, being all accommodating to my wishes.

Date night:
I had the worst headache that afternoon but I was determined NOT to back out. That was the trouble with me, it doesn’t take much for me to say yes, the issue is if I follow through. I downed meds and coffee and prayed hard that I’d eventually feel better and I did. I did also made the mistake of letting my friend know bout my headache dilemma who basically volunteered the information to Mr. Doc (yes, he’s a doctor!one major check in my profile requirements). She also ratted out that I was worried he would come up to the office. Since I started working I said to myself my personal life will be absolutely separate from my work. Anyway, at about 7pm after making a tons of excuses I finally came down the building. Funny thing was of all days that I have been reporting to our hq, that was the same day that I bumped into a college blockmate who made a quick visit just when I was on my way out. On my way down, it dawned on me how on earth would I know who I was meeting up with. My bestfriend did try to get a picture on some social networking but to no avail since the photo was dark lit. I sent him an sms saying sorry to disappoint him that I wasn’t wearing my hot pink campaign shirt (I believe this was our first inside joke). He then had to tell me what he was wearing. I sat on the café seat al fresco as I waited for him. For whatever reason when I saw him I knew it was him. I came up to him. No spark. I just felt comfortable. This was going to be a relaxed night.

Fast track:
We lost our way to fort. I wasn’t much help with the directions. BUT I was as chatty as I was in text until i realized that he was actually concentrating on driving. Whoops! Then I asked where we were heading, he said in a French restau for dinner and we’ll see what’s next. Of course, ever the honest person that I was, I blurted out that I wasn’t a fan of French cuisine BUT I was willing to try. He didn’t let that go. He showed where the French restau was then told me that there was this other place. And to my delight, he said chef laudico. I am such a foodie and so hearing a familiar name excited me! This was going to be a good night! For one we weren’t going to the usual date spots. he researched and he researched well. Kudos on the plan b! we finally settled with chef laudico bistro Filipino.

In Sum:
I enjoyed the dinner, super enjoyed the dessert and absolutely loved our conversation. It was a relaxed night. I didn’t feel the need to be conscious of my actions or my words. The conversation was flowing but not to forced (he gave me time to marvel at the food). We discussed everything and anything. He was no push over and I digged that. A lot. Then again, there was still the initial impression: no spark. and he was leaving in a week.

Needless to say as the night progressed to day… my mindset of the date made a 180 turn.

*to be continued*

seeking cure for the blues

just when i thought i was invincible to loneliness.

i woke up feeling soooo lonely.

long term goal: write a chick lit book... i think i may have a promising original plot

not looking.

im not looking. im waiting to be found.

that is the best way to put it.

honesty pill

yesterday, i think i took the honesty pill by accident.

i've always been honest, calling things as i saw them.

but laying it all out is not for the weak-hearted (be it the receiver or the giver) but the risk of receiving a major blow is compensated by the fact that it comes from a good place. it really also helps that those who are in receipt of your honesty are friends who you know for sure will take the right way.

if i had snot on my face i would want my friend to pinpoint it rather than letting me walk in public with the snot on my face.

pleasant surprise..ses....

days ago i was experiencing my annual christmas jitters, the season when i feel the loneliest.

then i had a conversation with Him, and finally admitted to myself what i felt and wanted.

the classic story of simply submitting yourself to the greatest power there is.

days go by, and i get a pleasant surprise. a delightful surprise that has yet to unravel itself so i can fully appreciate it.

its way too early in the game to be all caught up with the whole deal, but its refreshing to see myself get excited again.

as i said, its a much welcomed channge.

Never been kissed

There's the movie and then there's me. While drew had never been really kissed, i simply have never been kissed.

I had a rather odd dream two nights ago- i got my first official kiss with an even odder choice, mr. fuzzy feeling.

so here's how it went. me and my 2 best gals came over to his house to hang (not that we hang out in reality). we were watching the tely on a bed with a pullout. my other best gal was lying beside mr. fuzzy feeling while i was on the pullout. they were whispering the whole time (i'm not sure what i felt at this point). then we decided to leave. On our way out, his mom and grandmom went in his room. i barely remember this part of the dream. what i do remember is that his mom and grandmom were telling me that it was me... after all these time, it was still me. the other girl was just a bestfriend hahahahaha. drumroll... then the even weirder part, i came down and saw him with his friends (or was it his groupmates?). by the way, he was donning his med uniform!


anywho, he left his friends and handed me white choco flavored reese mini cups (is there such a thing?). he gave me half of the bag's content- about 8 pieces. we ate one piece each and i kissed him. with both mouths filled with chocolate . awkward. after our quick awkward kiss i left and told him i'd think about it. then the dream went to an abrupt end as i finally woke up at 4am

so that's the story of my first kiss, my extremely awkward "dream" kiss.

More on Mr. Fuzzy

Mr. fuzzy feeling is the one that got away.

The one guy I’ll never have.

Its excruciating waiting for the day when I’ll finally hear from a common friend that he is getting married.

Then he’ll truly be the guy I’ll never have.

Like a hard lesson to learn, I never got my head around the idea why things ended.

If I had one token for a rewind, I’d go back to that day..

I can vividly remember that day.

I’m sure he’s tucked that memory along with the other flings he had,

Mr. Fuzzy feeling will always always always have that power over me,

Even if there’ll be another guy who’ll have that fuzzy feeling effect on me.

He'll still be a part of my life(the sad reality I’ve long accepted)

fuzzy feeling

to the guy who gave me that fuzzy feeling...

you'll always always have that same effect on me...

sad but true.

secretly wishing

sometimes i wish i made a few more mistakes in the past.


thought a lot less and acted more.


one day, everyone will wake up to the great surprise that i've been keeping a love affair under wraps for years now. ha!that's a laugh!


then i'd get to skip all the awkward phases and petty complications that come with brewing relationships.


but, then again, i'd also miss out those youthful giddy feelings that come with the package.


one item (in the life list) at a time.

Anthem of my life

"Soulmate"

Incompatible, it don't matter though
'cos someone's bound to hear my cry
Speak out if you do
You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable
Is already in my life?
Right in front of me
Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end
How do I find the perfect fit
There's enough for everyone
But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory
They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone

Who doesn't long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being told
Somebody tell me why I'm on my own
If there's a soulmate for everyone
If there's a soulmate for everyone

taking out the clutter

i'm suppose to be drafting a country-shaking/ life-changing speech for my principal, but as the case is i'm uninspired (yet again). rather i am unmoved. unispired or unmoved...i'm undecided. uninspired has been overused in this blog so might as well go with unmoved.

although... if my memory serves me right, when i was experiencing the topic (of the aforesaid speech), i swear, i was fighting the tears. for the reasons that i felt for them because their vulnerability was relatable on so many levels even if i've never had an identical life experience (which i'm thankful for). if i'm being honest, it was also partly because my hypochondriac tendencies were kicking in at the very mention of cancer.(forgive me if i constantly speak with so much vagueness). let's just say that i've been asked by people if i even cry, so the picture of me keeping myself together meant that the situation was really emotional even for the icyest of hearts.

nonetheless, it has been a week. a week of tedious activities that sucked the life, brawn and brainpower in me. i'm still trying to recover my wisdom as it is..haha..next in line, my creativity.perhaps writing jibberish will get me back on track and spark some inspiration, taking out the clutter will sort of bring me back to the feeling.

tomorrow ill put my thinking skills to proper use. not that i have a choice since i have a deadline. but as for now or even for tonight, let's dwell on the fact that i'm twenty four and very much single as i was twenty four years ago. or should i say less than that since i'm sure when i was an egg, there was a sperm that aimed for me... thus my conception haha..british humor. i don't even get myself (british humor...that's a laugh, but admittedly their accent is truly divine. hearing paul talk was an affirmation that i remain enamored by the british accent..teeheehee)

so yes, i'm twenty four and we are past the middle of the year. not much has changed. no new character since mr. dentist. or no character worth mentioning. let's keep our fingers crossed. i have yet to top my posts inspired by mr. dentist- which received warm reception from a few others.

as my mom's fave host says "toodles" hahaha. i so hate that gal's hosting skills..bwahahaha

so for now. toodles. (til i get my groove back)

wishful thinking

They say if you have vision board more or less these images will come true. well, i'm limiting my vision board with words (for now).

TRAVEL

greece.

italy.

japan.
south korea
florida, new york, washington dc.

CAREER
world reknowned travel- foodie writer/ host.
kickass pastry chef (with a famed coffee shop where people will flock through word of mouth)
entrepreneur.
philanthropist for animal welfare.

FRIVOLOUS WANTS
someone (whom i have described in detail in earlier posts)
dream home for our healthy happy and intact family (with massive pool and cabana)
succesful corporation

EVEN MORE FRIVOLOUS WANTS
one bag from every world class designer (same goes with my collection of sunglasses)
black land cruiser (for me and whichever dream car for the rest of the family.one each including brutus)
1 carat diamond studs (earrings and bracelet..laveet!)
everything my loved one desires!

in five years, i shall revisit this.

Relatable. [late post]

It just dawned on me, about a minute ago
That the guy i was demeaning was no different than i was months ago.
Admittedly,I was also a pathetic love sick puppy
Bombarding a guy with a series of texts
Although there was no profession of love. Thank God.
The thing is this isn't a revelation at all.
I've always been a black or white type of person when it comes to sappy matters.
One day, i'm all cold and rigid to those i have no interest on
Next thing you know, I'm uber attentive and accommodating, to those whom i fancy.
It doesn't take me years or even months or weeks to be enamored by a guy
to fall dangerously in love with a guy.
Days are enough to cultivate the feeling.
Everything happens in a jiff
like i was racing to get to the front door first.
like a fish grasping for air
i grasp for him like my life depended in it.
sick sick sick..
i really do lack safe control.
i surrender when i chose to.
this is the drawback of being too much in control.
cause when you finally let go, you simply fall into the pathetic arms of irrationality.
PATHETIC

THE quote of all quotes

intro: its been months since i last blogged, its been that long that i almost forgot my password

anywho, partly for the sake of posting something and mostly because of a conversation with a fellow artist (which reminded me of this quote), i am sharing this very honest quote i heard years ago from a very surprising film:

Beverly Clark: We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

p.s. im soo not a believer of marriages..hehe but still i loved this quote

a matter of self preservation

i had a wonderful chitchat with a very good highschool friend early this morning (at the wee hours of the morning my time and mid-morning her time). My then frenemy and i keep in touch as much as we can, chatting about the good ole days (which pretty much includes updates on the lives of our other batchmates).

we talked about our lives, the theater, boys or men in our lives, and of course who did who. For some reason though, we found ourselves talking about a guy who both broke our hearts. We were down memory lane yet again. Then she reminded me about her most recent trip here wherein they sorta rekindled their friendship (hanging out one whole day). I could not remember her telling me about this! i was totally clueless (with a tinge of betrayal). so she had to gab about the whole thing again. Alas alas, mr. you broke our hearts was apparently attached even then (what's his deal?!?!? a couple of summers ago he was suddenly back in my life *textswise*. as in really back. but he never bothered to tell me that he and his a.k.a. bestfriend are together! that i'll never figure out).

Anywho, after that brief trip down memory lane i was obsessed about the girl again. I had to put a face to the name. Thanks to those sick social networks we get to efficiently stalk people.hahaha. I had to put a face to the name. While i was in the pursuit of putting a face to the name, i finally remembered this story. She did tell me about it as soon as we got hold of each other after the incident. I knew about it. I could even remeber what I exactly felt after the big revelation (seriously, like some sick puppy i knew even then that they were together, i was in simply denial).

to summarize: I forgot about the whole thing as a knee-jerk reaction, a matter of self preservation. As I learned during our psych class in college, we repress certain memories precisely to protect ourselves from the intense emotions that comes with these memories.

sidenote: I woke up a lil earlier than usual this morning. and guess what i did it. i cleaned up my phonebook. removed ceratin contacts. clean slate. tabula rasa.

UNinspired

ive been MIA for some weeks now.


primary cause: lack of time to think (that's refreshing to hear!) AND very very very uninspired!


i admit... men, boys or guys (semantics!) inspire me hahaha... at the very least inspire me to write. Mr. dentist did that precisely. sadly he's all in the past. Number permanently erased.


i would have wanted to return to the cyberworld with a fantabulous story... mind you...i waited and waited and waited..but to no avail... i am back with the same mediocre life story...


i was hopeful for a time though... cause there was a buzz in the office about a guy... a guy who's enamored by moi (haha im exaggerating of course)... i deduced this ok. but i think there really is a guy. as to who he is i have no clue. i first heard about the guy when i was chitchatting with the hubby of our mom figure in the office.


brief background:everyone in the office is convinced that i have the tendency to blow off my monthly check with my very unpractical bag purchases...haha and to top it all off everyone knows that i've been eyeing an LV bag for my bday...


i was joking about it with him (the hubby) asking him if he knew anyone who'd be fool enough to get me one. surprisingly, he said he actually knew someone. i kept composed (seemingly disinterested when here i am weeks later blogging bout it) and replied "go!basta walang kapalit. no strings attached". or something to that effect. that's basically the highlight of the story. i never bothered to ask more about the guy. i have to keep up with my infamous reputation. i mean if he really likes me come on make the move (then ill turn you down..kidding! or not!).

so that made me hoping. by that i meant he. not that i wanted him to profess his undying crush for me. it was more of knowing that someone remembered and made a gesture (grand)haha.

which reminds me (office romance). in my world, DOMs rule. not that i have a say in this. i came in with that structure in place. anyway, i was on the lift with my officemate. i forgot my id then so she had to loan me her fairly large envelope. I was hugging the said envelope (to hide the fact that i forgot my id) when in comes one of the DOM rulers. He stood next to me. Since he was our senior, we greeted him with much gaiety. after which he conveniently pionted (his fingertip touched the envelope and lingered there then off and back again) at the envelope i was hugging (right where my dairy area was located at the other side of the envelope) playfully asking what was inside it the joking later if there was money in it. Remaining polite, i looked at my officemate and then back to him and told him it was all papers. Then i gave him a cold shoulder and he finally gave up with his attempt for small talk and pretended to text instead. A few days after there was a blind item on a similar incident that happened on the vip lift but between the (who had similar features) lift operator minus the protective envelope barrier and the said DOM (who was in a blind item earlier this year for attempting to make a move on his staff with similar features again)

rubbish entry i know. im just forcing myself to post an entry to get back in the game.

i need inspiration!come to me please! i need you! mr. made to order, i'm praying for you to pop into my life ! GIVE ME INSPIRATION!

what's the word... Mamihlapinatapai

Mamihlapinatapai (sometimes spelled mamihlapinatapei) is a word from the Yaghan language of Tierra del Fuego, listed in The Guinness Book of World Records as the "most succinct word", and is considered one of the hardest words to translate.[1] It describes "a look shared by two people with each wishing that the other will initiate something that both desire but which neither one wants to start."
The word consists of the reflexive/passive prefix ma- (mam- before a vowel), the root ihlapi (pronounced [iɬapi]), which means to be at a loss as what to do next, the stative suffix -n, an achievement suffix -ata, and the dual suffix -apai, which in composition with the reflexive mam- has a reciprocal sense.
It is also the title of a song by the American singer-songwriter Ronny Cox.[2]

* a friend posted this..and its so worth reposting